Any parents want their ideal children to grow up. They should sleep at night quietly, eat everything in a dish, decently behave with strangers and understand the instructions of their parents. Even better, when children do all this not only under the sensitive mother’s control, but also independently. It’s time for mom to go out of maternity leave to work. And some did not stop their work at all, for the time being only changing their rhythm. So how do you combine work with raising children?
American Pamela Druckerman wrote the famous bestseller “French children do not spit food”, in which she spoke about the French methods of education. It turns out that they are quite capable of coping with the majority of parental problems. And in order not to reread the entire book, we chose from there 10 top and exclusive advice. They are able to help working mothers raise children and keep in touch with them.
Remember: perfect moms do not exist.
When mum works, she wants to hug everything at once. It is necessary to have time to give the child love and at the same time to pursue a career. In fact, the work is carried out in two shifts. Work in the office is replaced by equally hard work at home. And this feeling is familiar to any working mother. It is worth to listen to the opinion of French women, who declare that there are no ideal mothers. So do not try to get rid of the shortcomings and keep up. This is a simple, but such a fundamental idea. You can not perceive the childhood of the baby, as the beginning of a big race with the finish in the form of university entrance. We all want our children to be successful, but why in the evenings, coming from work, to force the child to quickly make up for lost time? Let everything be natural. In France, they do not teach a child to read and write until six years old. They believe that it is much more important for a child to instill such skills as self-control, sociability and concentration of attention before school. To bring up such qualities of specially allocated time is not required, they will appear as a result of correct education. It is these abilities, and not at all the ability to read at the age of three and solve the simplest examples, and create the basis for further success in education.
A woman should always have her own source of income.
In America, a stereotype has been adopted, according to which for a woman a successful marriage means a calm and carefree life. The main thing is to find a good husband with a high salary, after which you can not work yourself. Meanwhile, in Europe, a different view of things. Women here believe that they need their own, independent source of income. And even in the strongest marriage with your beloved, you have to think: “What will happen if one day all this collapses?”. A woman should have a profession or job, her own stable source of income, just in reserve. And it is important not only for herself, but also for the child. French women quickly go to work after childbirth, primarily to ensure that they can provide their child with everything they need most. Perhaps life will be like this, and these skills will suddenly be in demand. And this is a very pragmatic approach, let it and not find the French romance. But it really helps in life.
You can not devote your whole life to a child.
Mother care for your child, as well as possible shows the principle of infinity. A woman will always try to help her baby. Thus, for his sake, a voluntary and eternal sacrifice takes place. But modern culture instills in women an important idea: every person, especially a parent, needs time and space for himself. And you can not solve this issue on a residual principle. Many first completely give themselves to the child, allowing themselves the remaining crumbs of time. Another option is to afford something only when everything that is necessary for the child is done. So it is impossible to do. In order for the family to have a balance of interests, it is necessary to make sure that a woman owns some part of her own life.The simplest version is work, although this is not at all an axiom. It is quite possible to form a hobby, to communicate with friends more often. The French believe that if they devote their time to the child, he will see how the whole life revolves around him alone. This is not only harmful, but even dangerous.
Sometimes it’s worth moving away from the baby.
For a woman, it may seem paradoxical, but the periodic distances from the child make her only the best mother. When a child is accustomed to the fact that next to him there is always his most native person, that he is constantly involved in his affairs and lives his life, he will not learn independence. The child will not understand how to pay attention to other people and their needs, how to learn empathy. A woman should intuitively feel when it is time to move away from the child. Thus, she will do him an important service. And it is important to understand that this is not some kind of harsh and informal position. It’s not about giving up everything and going on a two-week trip, just doing your own thing and forgetting about the child. You just need to calmly admit that if you spend time with someone, even if you love him very much, then sooner or later there will be irritation. And this applies not only to ourselves, but also to the child. It is worth to leave the child for only a few hours, giving it to the care of a nanny or grandmother, as he will be very happy to meet again. After all, and my mother, and he will have something to share. Such small partings bring freshness into the relationship. It always gives new experience and impressions, being a source of energy. Short breaks are a prerequisite for the formation of any successful relationship, not just the mother and the child.
It’s worth forgetting about the feeling of guilt.
Mothers who work, feel guilty before the child that they can not give him time. This is a destructive feeling that still can not change the situation. Already time from such experiences obviously will not appear any more. The main thing that can be done in such a situation is to really be next to the child in his spare time. For a walk, do not just go around chatting about something on the phone. Do not constantly worry about the child, while at work, reproach yourself that in addition to motherhood in your life there is still work and colleagues, friends, and husband. The only thing that the mother of her child has to do is to be quiet with him and pay attention to him at that time.
It is worth bringing up patience in your children.
Some people think that this is an innate skill that one is given by nature, and the other is not. But the French look at patience, as on some physical muscle. It can and should be trained, doing this from an early age. When a child asks for something insignificant, it is not worthwhile, working, jumping up and immediately fulfilling his request. Why not explain to him calmly that you are busy and ask for a little patience? At first the child will learn to wait a few seconds, and then already and minutes. He will have to learn how to entertain himself in periods of waiting and cope with his disappointments. For a child, this skill is simply vital. As soon as he realizes that he is not the main person in this world, he will gradually grow up.
Do not be a mom-taxi.
Feeling guilty for their employment, moms sometimes try to compensate for this with a huge number of circles, sections and developing activities for the child. Nevertheless, when choosing extracurricular activities, one must always understand how this will affect the quality of one’s own life. If the mother will spend a lot of time transporting the child from one end of the city to another, from sailing to English, then her selfless will be hard to admit. Moreover, skepticism arises when this is done at the expense of work. About such a woman will soon be told that she lost her vital balance. And the children do not need such sacrifices.It is really important for a child to go to the pool, develop further, but it is better to leave him time for independent games at home, rather than spend it in the car’s back seat. Excessive psychological and physical stress will be only harmful to the child.
We must leave for ourselves a part of life in which the child should not participate.
A woman should always remember that the basis of the family is marriage. This is what should make a couple find time to communicate with each other. In France it is customary to give the child all parental space only for the first three months of his life. At this time, he can sleep with his parents in one room and even in their bed. But then the kid is taught to rest in his room and in his bed. The conjugal bedroom is a place that belongs only to two adults. Children can not enter there when they want. The child must be taught that in the life of adults there are parts where he does not take part. The French have a parents’ bedroom – a sacred place, you can enter where you can only on a special occasion. Children see that between their parents there is a certain connection, which seems to the kids a great secret. And for them it is very important. After all, you want to grow up and solve all the riddles of the adult world!
It is not necessary to demand from the husband equal participation in the care of children and household chores.
Even if a woman works as much as her husband, even if at times she works even more, do not ask him to give home and children as much attention as she does. This will only cause his discontent and irritation. American women play a role of feminism, but the French help old-fashioned pragmatism. Many would gladly lay on their husbands more homework, but usually women agree with this inequality. And this, it turns out, only makes life easier. Harmony in relationships is often more important than equality. Women should simply perceive men as biological beings, even the best representatives of whom are poorly able to cope with domestic chores. But this does not mean that men do not need to do anything at all. Moms in France believe that the distribution of duties around the house, albeit unequally, will help to avoid conflicts. Do not ask your husband for more than he can give. It is better to hire a housekeeper for routine work, and spouses to allocate time for intimacy.
Spouses should leave themselves evenings, and one day off per month should be a “honey weekend”.
French parents take one day off every month only for themselves. No work or children! It’s worthwhile to postpone business and send the kids to grandparents, give them to their nanny or go out of town for themselves. Spouses should lie in bed, sleep off, long and with pleasure to have breakfast, watch a movie. On this day you need to relax and do nothing at all. Let the adults have their honeymoon weekend. And most importantly, they themselves should not feel any remorse. Even for the most loving parents, this pastime should be considered normal. But at another time the French popes and mothers strictly follow the children, so that they go to bed on time. As soon as the evening fairy tale or lullaby ends, the child immediately goes to bed. Adult time is not a won privilege, but the basic human need, the right of parents. The French say that the key to a happy family is loving and happy parents. If honestly and sincerely to explain it to the children, they will certainly understand this.
You are the Boss himself.
This rule of education in French is the most difficult to comprehend. Adults need to clearly understand that it is they who make decisions. Parents are bosses in the family. It is important to understand that they are not dictators, they are simply bosses. Children can and should be given more freedom within the framework of what is possible, one must take their opinions into account and listen to their wishes.But the decision is still taken by adults. Always remember who is at the top of the family pyramid. These are neither children, nor grandmothers, nor teachers with nannies. Only a woman should command the entire parade. It is really difficult to accept this, for this we have to wage a daily war. Day by day the army must win back its positions. But adults will know for sure that their children are growing in a clearly defined framework. Yes, and the kids themselves are better and calmer when they understand that their parents are in control. It is necessary to learn how to say “no” strictly and with certainty in the main moments. Let the children hear the calm and firm voice of their parents, who tell them what to do. And to understand that everything really turns out, it’s easy. At such a time, parents really feel that they have everything under control.