Patients in need of urgent care are brought only on those days when you left your pager at home.
The law of doctors on duty.
The day you are on duty will be a record number of calls. The most trifling appeals will come at a time when you:
a) crouched to eat;
b) locked themselves in the toilet;
c) just got a nap to take a nap.
Principle of the doctor on duty at the concert.
Your mobile phone will ring at the very moment when the quietest passage is performed.
Law of Howland.
You will never catch a cold from your patient until you are on vacation.
Axiom of business dates.
Your business meeting will be canceled only after it is too late to plan anything else.
An urgent business appointment will only happen for a time when you have planned one of your favorite activities.
Oppenheimer’s Law for Physicians.
If the treatment of the disease is started without waiting for the results of the tests, then the first thing will be that all the tests are normal.
Free time rule.
The window in your busy schedule will never match the time in the window in dense clouds.
The lower the patient’s chances of surviving, the more expensive the treatment procedure.
Brief definition of vaccination against swine influenza.
A method of treatment for which no specific disease exists.
Rule of implantation in the thorax.
The more harmless the procedure looks, the more harmful are its long-term consequences.
The law of medicine by McDonald.
The degree of correctness of treatment is always determined by subsequent events.
Universal technical laws applied to medicine.
1. If a mistake can sneak into some medical procedure, this will necessarily happen.
2. Any error will tend to cause the greatest harm.
3. In any formula, all constants (especially those extracted from medical textbooks) should be considered variables.
4. The best laboratory models do not even closely match the conditions encountered in real practice.
5. In the description of any treatment procedure, the most likely element to be missed is the most crucial element.
6. Specifications of manufacturers on the performance characteristics of medical equipment should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
7. Approvals of traders on the performance characteristics of medical equipment should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
8. If several people are responsible for the error in the calculations, the guilty will not be guilty.
9. Identical devices that were tested in the same way will not behave identically in real use.
10. Even if, on the basis of medical practice, the value of the required safety margin has been established experimentally, some ingenious blockhead will quickly come up with a method for how to exceed this margin of safety.
Law of the reverse action.
If you have failed something the first time, rewrite the entire medical history.
Never allow a patient to read his own medical history.
Biondi’s Law for Medics.
If your treatment does not work, look for a symptom that you did not consider important.
First Law of the Dolmen.
When you first screw up with a colonoscopy (a very painful and unpleasant study of the colon), your patient will be a lawyer.
The first rule of Barbour.
In the absence of opposing knowledge, each patient will be cured.
The last rule of Barbour.
There is no treatment for every disease.