Murphy’s laws of childbirth



Secret code of the delivery instructor.

When your instructor from the group preparing for childbirth pronounces the word “contractions,” in fact, she means “pain.”

The laws of mother Murphy about childbirth.

The further your birth has entered, the more chances are that:


1. Your car will not start.

2. On the fastest and shortest route to the maternity hospital, large road works will be conducted.

3. You will roll up at the wrong intersection and get lost.

4. You will arrive at the railway crossing just at the very moment when a long freight train will approach it, which will trail at a speed of three kilometers per hour.

5. There will not be a single parking lot at the hospital parking lot.

6. In the waiting room there will be no on-site duty on hospitalization.

7. You do not take with you the necessary papers for health insurance.

8. Your midwife will go to play golf and will be out of reach.

Consequence.

The further your births went, the longer and more complicated the order of hospitalization and the forms that are filled in.

Little cunning of childbirth.

If it was such an easy matter to give birth to a child, you would not be dragged into the “delivery room” … you would be taken to the “dance hall”.

Contradiction in the matter of coolness.

No matter how regular and strong the fights, the potential mother will be calmer than the driver who delivers her to the hospital. Up until the moment she does not reach the hospital.

Wounds related to pain.

1. The greater the pain, the less likely that you will remember at this moment even one of the breathing exercises that you were taught as a means of distracting from pain.

2. The greater the pain, the more likely that you will plead for any drug among those that you were told not to take in the birth group. Plus, you will name some of those that were not even mentioned in the class.

Inspection syndrome.

The number of people who will test your dilatation in detail (the stretching of the organs, in this case those associated with the delivery process) is equal to the number of persons passing by the door of the delivery room.

The effect of amnesia.

The process of the birth of a child gives rise to a specific amnesia (partial or total loss of memory, usually due to shock or trauma): the more painful the birth, the more fun you are about them then tell and remember.

The first words after childbirth.

1. English mothers say: “Fuck you!”

2. Irish mothers say: “Scary eerie, it’s right!”

3. Italian mothers say: “Mamma mia!”


4. German mothers say: “Ah, doo, may liber!”

5. French mothers say: “Holy is holy!”

6. Jewish mothers say: “Oh, Gevalt!”

7. Norwegian mothers say: “Uffty!”

8. Spanish mothers say: “Carramba!”

9. Russian mothers say: “Damn!”

In an approximate translation, all these expressions mean about the same thing: “And how did it manage me?”

The principle of pain.

A young mother who has just undergone a long and painful delivery procedure will cry when a nurse starts giving her newborn baby immunization to the shoulders.

Who says that?

After having experienced a long and painful birth, your husband will describe this event as a “trifling matter” and “a trifle”.



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